come as you are, as you were, as i want you to be

dwelling on the problems....

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 16:04:21 GMT

I haven't updated in a long time. A lot has gone on. But the thing is i always updated cuz i just needed to vent when i was home alone w/ nothing to do. And I feel like I don't need to do that anymore... i almost feel like its pathetically immature to just complain about how much high school life sucks so bad to the internet and then wait for someone to response saying "oh don't worry i know how you feel" or "hey it'll get better". I look at some of my other entries and I'm pretty upset w/ myself for making me sound so...WHINEY. I mean it's not like I don't have problems so thats why I haven't updated but it never helped to just...dwell on them but typing them up and hoping people will comment. I do like reading peoples journals and all but I just don't feel the need to write in mine anymore. It's something I think I just grew out of...i've been doing it for like half my sophomore year...all junior year...and this summer. That's sufficient for me.
But just for the hell of it i'll express my joys and concerns one more time for everyone (like all of you read it anyways).
This summer I was seeing this guy keith from work. We had some serious issues because he like has a kid on the way and I have a drinking problem. But we got passed everything for the most. And I honestly thought the hardest part was going to be the fact that my dad's racist but that wasn't even half of it. But I still really like him and I kind of want to be w/ him...as fucked up as our situation really is (and trust me nobody understands how fucked up it is)i felt like we finally got passed all that. I have issues w/ trying to outdo what everyone expects from my situations. But now....I dont think its going to work w/ him. It could if I wanted it to...but I'm not about to be stupid...i mean think about it...kid on the way? stepmommy? no. and theres plenty of other reasons trust me.
So I really don't like Jamie either...she complicated things between me and keith as well...but she also completely ruined the trust factor one too many times in our friendship...therefore there isn't a friendship anymore. She's trying though I can tell. She still calls me and talks to me in school. and I mean i'm going to be nice but i'm not going to pretend. If I'm not interested in what she has to say i'm not going to act interested. I mean she opened her big fat mouth to people at work AGAIN and I'm done w/ it. I'm tired of dealing w/ her being a shitty friend. I hate her... and the reason i hate her is because I love her and I've allowed her to just take advantage of me for so long that it's just built up to hate. AND THE STATEMENT THAT SAYS YOU CAN ONLY HATE PEOPLE THAT YOU ONCE LOVED FIRST is very TRUE. unfortunately.........
I am very glad to be back in school for the most part i get to see...kyle, grant, graham, cisco, joe, amanda, tk, jess, and so many more of my friends EVERYDAY.
alright well i'll talk to you guys later. c ya

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 20:04:05 GMT

So I woke up this morning from my cell phone ringing. It was Jamie and she was crying because she got into an argument w/ her mom. She wanted me to take her to her Dad's house. I told her that Tony was going to take me to my car in a few minutes so i would be there soon. But then I looked outside and he'd left already. So i called him and he said that he wasn't going to be back until like 3 or 4. but then he turned around cuz he was still in paw paw and then picked me up. and while we were in the car he flipped out on me. He said that he was going to chew my ass if rocket star is "where he thinks it is". I told him that all i knew was that is was on West Michigan ave and that is was on campus and it was right off stadium. Well he said "i know that but if its by Wallo's (or whatever its called ) i'm gonna chew yours and your mothers asses." and he kept going on and on about how if i want to do "all the big girl things" that i want to do he wants to all of his questions answered first fully and truthfully. I was crying because I didn't even do anything and he was just going off. And he brought up the one time from like a year and a half ago when i went to fourth coast and he didnt know it was on vine street. so i just got out of the car bawling and told him thanks. then i went and picked up jamie and had to listen to how aweful her mom is (give me a fucking break). I hate when she complains about how bad she has it. I told her that i wish she would live w/ my parents for awhile. Her curfew wouldn't be 1 anymore. it would be like 10 or 11 or whenever my parents decide. and she wouldn't be going to hang out w/ her boyfriend at his friends apartments anymore and shit. and she sure as hell wouldn't get away w/ yelling at them like she does w/ her mom. I mean i dont have it that bad i know that. but it just really irritates me when people take their parents for granted, cuz they have no idea how much worse it could be.
I told my mom that i was tired of him making me cry. and if he really cared about me like he says he does then he would care about my feelings. She said that he loves me just as much as she does but thats bullcrap. if that were the case then he wouldn't make me feel like crap all the time for practically nothing. If he cared then he would be the one telling me "oh its ok...don't cry everything will be alright." but no he's the one chewing me out for stupid shit like he does. I try my hardest not to let him get to me...but if someone has authority over you and they partly determine what you can and cannot do you can't just roll your eyes and go do what you want anyways. I have to deal w/ it whether i like it or not. And I know I shouldn't cry over it...i know i shouldn't but i can't help it. you can't help how bad a person makes you feel.

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 00:37:35 GMT

Hey everyone. sorry its been awhile. I've just been working a lot and stuff. Jamie has a boyfriend so i haven't been hanging out w/ her AS MUCH but i still do hang out w/ her. it's ok tho cuz her boyfriend josiah is such a sweetie and his so kickass so i dont care that she's w/ him more often. but yeah i hung out w/ devin the other day....that was aweasome...i think i have a new crush. lol. he was so hot omg seriously i haven't been that attracted to anyone since....god i don't even know. but i am pretty sure i'm hanging out w/ amanda tomorrow. thats so awesome cuz i haven't hung out w/ her in so long. i saw her for like an hour and a half sunday cuz howard was using my computer to get her cell phone service or whatever. but yeah i'm excited. and friday i think i'm going to see the chiodos show and then i'm going to melissa's house after that cuz she's having a party. so i think friday is gonna be fucking awesome.
so read that lyle is leaving like tomorrow. that makes me so sad. if i get a chance i so need to go see him cuz we just started to get to know each other and he was so awesome. he IS so awesome. :(
so not much has happened really. i haven't had the best of luck with guys but thats ok cuz they're really not all that important i've come to realize. as long as i have my friends then its all good.
p.s. the new harry potter book is out and it's so good so far....i'm a loser i know.

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 20:22:51 GMT

Really haven't been doing much. Just working and hanging out w/ people. I hung out w/ Jamie and her new guy friend Josiah. He's such a sweetheart, he's so cool. Grant called me last Saturday and asked me to come out to the camp so i did that. We didnt do much just talked and watched Once Upon a Time in Mexico. I love that movie. I just got done hanging out w/ TK. She's so cool. I'm so jealous cuz she's going to Las Vegas for a couple weeks. that's so awesome. Oh yeah and my brother is back from Canada as of last friday so he went bowling w/ me and jamie. Lyle and Josh ended up meeting us at the bowling alley so that was cool. But other than that i haven't really been doing anything exciting so yeah....i'm out.

Work is bullshit

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 22:19:20 GMT

People at work are really starting to piss me off. Danielle and Tabitha particularly. They treat me like I'm a fucking idiot if I do one thing wrong. It's like i've been here for 2 months...i dont know every little thing ok? Like Danielle got mad because she saw that the plastic wrap for the flurry spoons was ripped off at the wrong end. I told her that i didnt know there was a specific way to do that. And she just kind of looked at me like i was dumb, she's like "oh...well thats different if you didn't know." Like seriously...who spends their time worrying about that shit?
I'm hoping to get the job at the root beer stand because it would be a lot closer and that would be a lot easier on me because gas prices suck balls.
Jamie and Adam are officially not going to hang out anymore...thank god. she was getting so fucked up because of him. Like he'd say one thing to her face but then he'd act totally different around me. and like idk...he was so two-faced. and she didn't get it. but now that thats over w/.....
I hung out w/ Lyle yesterday. we went to the mall and i got some 6 gages that are really cool. My mom flipped when she saw them she's like "OMG why would you want to put holes in your ears!" and i said "why do you care? they're not your ears?" i wasn't mean about it but i just asked her. and she didn't really have a response. NEways me and Lyle went to Applebee's and played chess and had a really good talk. Like one of those good talks and you feel like you understand the person a little bit more kind of talks. But he's always fun to hang out w/.
I need to surround myself w/ more people like Lyle...cuz you notice i always have bad things to say otherwise?
Ok i'm done....I think I'm going to my Aunt Jackie's house tonight. She's fuckin hilarious too.

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 01:13:53 GMT

I GUESS SINCE EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT...sigh

1.Your Name:

2.
Age:

3. Fave Color:

4. Fave Movie:

5. Fave Song:

6.
Fave Band:

7. Most Embarassing Moment:(u dont have to answer this,
lol)

8. Are you a virgin?

HERE COMES THE FUN ... ...
...

1. Are we friends?

2. Do you have a crush/attracted to
me?

3. Would you kiss me?

4. ...with tongue?

5. Would you
enjoy it?

6. Would you ever ask me out or go out with me if I ask you
out?

7. Would you make a move on me in a movie theater?

8. Tell me
one odd/intresting fact about you:

9. Would you take care of me when I'm
sick?

10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't
before?

11. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend
me?

12. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?

13. Do you think
I'm a good person?

14. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same
bed)?

15.Do you think I'm Hot?

16. Would you call me just
because?

17. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they dont
involve you?

18. If you could change anything about me, would
you?

19.Would you have sex with me?

20.Would you come over for no
reason just to hang out?

21. Will you post this so I can fill it out for
you?

I hate it when i'm wrong....everyone celebrate....allie was wrong

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 17:22:31 GMT

Lyle is right. I do go for the wrong guys. I think it's because that no guys are right. lol. no i know theres nice guys out there. but for now i dont know any. and he's right i do know of one guy that genuinely likes me...but i don't like him like that. he's an ok guy but i can honestly only look at him as a friend. lyle keeps telling me to just go on one date w/ him...but i feel like that would be leading him on. and i told him that i dont want a commitment. but i honestly think i do. I've been saying all along that I dont have time for a commitment. but everyone knows that you always have the time for a significant other. and even if you kind of don't...when you really like someone you do make the time for them. I'm scared to get in a commitment because i'm scared of the outcome...and from how guys have been lately it really seems like i'd get hurt sooner AND NOT LATER.
so here i am being honest. I do want to find a guy to be in a relationship w/. I'm just scared that i'm gonna get hurt. and no guy that i like seems to like me back enough to be in a relationship w/ me. i dont want to rush of course. And I'm scared that i will never find a guy that was as good to me as Lucas. He may be immature now but he was the most HONEST and nicest guy and he genuinely cared for me more than any other person i've ever met.
and he's also right about me kind of bringing the drama. i expect too much out of guys. even when guys tell me they dont want a relationship...i kind of get attached and just hope that i'll be enough for them so they'll like change their mind or something. i'm going about this the wrong way. and lyle is the only one to point it out to me.
I've always heard "I should have listened to Allie" and "yeah your right Allie" and "Allie knows what she's talking about." I'm good w/ giving advice...but when it comes to myself I don't know what to tell me. Lyle is the male version of me.

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 23:42:33 GMT

So i fucked up last night......and thats all i'm gonna say about that

i went into work today at 12. i told jess about how i fucked up last night. rob was there so he knows too. i went on break at 3...which kinda sucked cuz it was so early. a little while after i got REALLY sick and Brian wouldn't let me go home. i got kind of mad cuz i felt so terrible. plus keith and tray would NOT leave me alone. Keith comes up to me and asked me "what would you say if i asked you out?". i said "like on a date?" he said yeah and potentially go steady. i was taken back a little bit. i said i would prolly hang out w/ him once. and tray kept telling me that i looked really good and that he wants to be w/ me and all that shit. i hate guys. i dont trust either of them. i asked tray " what the hell is goin on w/ you two? you guys got a bet to see who can nail the white girl first?" and....idk. i hate guys. i dont believe any of them.
oh more good news...i found out last night when i was talking to beau when i was drunk....ben got a girlfriend. again guys suck.
adam screwed jamie over again. guys suck.
why is it so impossible to find a guy that genuinely likes me. i got 3 guys telling me they like me but i honestly don't believe them. i think they have alterior motives.
i started thinking about roman the other night...it's been awhile since i've seen him. i need to see him.

people sucks seriously

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 19:17:40 GMT

me and jamie got in another argument yesterday. she said i'm mean to her and that i should let her deal with guys her own way. she's right in the fact that i shouldn't be mean. it just kind of happens because i'm so irritated with everything. but i can't just let her deal w/ guys her own way and not say anything when i'm the one THE ONLY ONE that has to listen to her when she's upset over it. so i dont know what to do about that.
ben sucks....him and beau are two of a kind. they bring out the bitch in me. i dont know how but they manage to make me flip out. and i pretty much have given up on guys....i'm lesbian. jp i wish tho.
grants right...i do always complain on my livejournal. and i'm always telling people to look at the good side of things because life is what you make....SORRY I'M A HYPOCRITE.
amanda and i are supposed to go to the fireworks in south haven. i really hope so cuz i want to hang out w/ her so bad. her and jamie are at the mall while i'm stuck here grounded...so not fair. but just until tomorrow night so its not so bad.
YA KNOW WHAT I'M SICK OF? People who dog on other people in someone elses journal. i commented on joey's livejournal saying that he doesn't need to worry about what other people think because at the end of the day it doesn't matter and blah blah blah. and mallory commented on his too giving him support as well. then caitie (think its caitie j) starts dissing on mallory in joey's lj. i'm like what the fuck caitie? way to be.
ok well i'll talk to y'all later

Wed, 29 Jun 2005 16:28:25 GMT

so apparently josh is pissed off to no end....i dont blame him i'd hate me too. and on top of all that i'm grounded so....life sucks at the moment. i have to go to work in like five minutes. it just keeps getting better....ben likes some chick from hackett too. but i guess theres no way in hell for him cuz she doesn't like him or want to date him or anything. i'm so pathetic. i told ben he lost major points w/ me these past few days and he gave me the the "really dont care" tone. guys suck.
roman i need to see you. are you going to the fireworks in south haven on saturday? you should consider it cuz i need to see you.
ok well i have to finish up later cuz i have to go get ready. later

i love quizzes when they tell me stuff like this

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 18:53:09 GMT

Your wise quote is: "Our greatest glory is not
in never falling, but in rising everytime we
fall" by Confucius.
Yes indeed, you see true strenght can only be
seen when a person has "fallen". Only
then one can tell how they will handle it. Just
don't make others fall so you can know who they
really are. You on the other hand may be a very
quick recoverer and don't let people bring you
down. You are your own, and you're find with
that. Emotional issues is something you handle
rather nicely.

What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
brought to you by Quizilla

lonely

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 01:40:18 GMT

i'm lonely....no guys like me like that.....except one and he's psycho (jamie's x)....its ok for guys not to like me i guess cuz their not the most important thing in life and i know that trust me....but its still lonely a little bit cuz they don't. it would just be a little bit nice to know that a decent guy looks at me and thinks i'm pretty or really nice and i'm not a bad girl to hang out w/....but its a little bit my fault too cuz i've gotten really picky. why aren't there just any honest and cool guys out there?
i'm done w/ the emo blabbering.

boys suck

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 15:20:20 GMT

so jamie spent the night. we actually had fun i must say. we walked like really far into town for like no reason. this indian guy pulled off red arrow and came around by us and asked if we wanted a ride. i was like "uh no!" and we kept walking. its like i'd prefer not to get raped thank you.
i talked to justin on the phone for like an 1 1/2 hours when we were in the hot tub. he's like saying that he's gonna do whatever he can to get me to like him and stuff. and he's saying that i should do whatever makes me happy but he likes me and he says it would be cool if i "picked him".
dillon and jamie just left. i talked to dillon about everything. he said it's summer and he can't promise anything. i was upset. but i said that i'm not gonna let him go back and forth between me and some girl. and he said he knows and he won't. I know he won't cuz i know him better than that...he wouldn't want to mess up whats goin on w/ us even if we aren't dating. we got a good friendship and were both getting some so...theres not much of a problem. and i told him that if he says he's gonna call then to fuckin call. so basically....i'm right back where i started. if he does decide to find another girl to be messin w/ then its done but i honestly don't think thats gonna happen. justin is gonna be disappointed but i dont see the need for anything to change. i was stressing for something that i was afraid was gonna happen. but honestly everything was cool and everything is cool. i like dillon, i like hanging out w/ him and i'm not gonna stop becuz i'm worried that somethings gonna change. i'll worry about change when it happens. and until then i can do whatever i want w/ whoever i want...not that i want to.
i have to work today. 3-9. that blows.

same old shit different weekend

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 15:10:34 GMT

so its summer now...i'm so happy you have no idea. today was the first day i got to sleep in...and it felt really good.
saturday i worked at 7 until 1 which wasn't bad. i was getting pissed though cuz they kept running out of burritos so i would have to stop what i was doing and roll more for their dumb asses. then i went over to dillon's. he wanted me there like 2 or 230 so we could be alone for awhile before adam came over at like 4. well i went over there aroune 230 and we were watching a movie and we decided to go to sleep. quality time spent alone let me tell ya. but then jamie got out of work early AGAIN of course cuz she always does when she's gonna hang out w/ adam later. so we all just chilled and did our thing.
sunday (yesterday). went to work again at 8 until 2. got out at 1:30 tho cuz they didnt need me. brian put me on fries when no one was going through drive thru so i felt completely useless. then later me and my mom and brothers went to the hayloft and got ice cream. i forgot how good their stuff is. then i went over to jamies and we rode on her mom's scooter which is sweet. we went to my grandparents house and went swimming for a little bit but it started to rain. so we went to sugar bear cuz jamie wanted ice cream (i wanted to throw up thinking about it). and then adam called when we were there and so we went to adam's house to see them. we ended up going to dillon's house for a little while and then i went home later. so i pretty much just ran around all weekend doing a bunch of nothing at other people's houses. it was alright tho.
oh i totally forgot friday. friday was the last day and me, jess, jamie, grant, and kolja all went to hooters. i love their food so much. then me and jamie went to the mall for a little bit. i got this really cute shirt at JCPenny's (wink wink). and then i got flip flops from old navy. so yeah that was my weekend.
today i'm suppose to hang out w/ kevin krafft. what the fuck am i thinking. i hope he realizes that NOTHING is going to happen. i can't believe i even liked him seriously. he's cool as a friend and all but...what a fucker.

exams blow

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 17:06:02 GMT

so i took exams today...pretty easy. yesterdays were pretty easy too. i'm happy cuz this will be the first semester since like freshmen year where i finish with at least all B's.
So Brittani is moving...gay. I need her but she doesn't need me. wtf is that? and amanda doesn't even talk to me anymore. well she talks to me but idk i see the look she gives me. she doesn't call me or want to hang out anymore... she only hangs out w/ kenny. so w/e.
tomorrow is the last day of school. YES!!!!!!!!!! But i have no plans for the day...i ask again...wtf?
my mom is getting pissed at me. she asked me today "why do you always have to be doing something?" I was just thinking to myself "cuz its boring doing nothing!" seriously does that not make any sense. what makes her think that i just want to sit around and do nothing and be ok w/ that?
so plans for the summer

1. work
2. party
3. work
4. hang out w/ people
5. party

what is everyone else doing?

oh yeah i hung out w/ my aunt jackie last night and she said my dad is like really unhealthy and he's prolly gonna drink himself to death. she said she has to hide alcohol from him for when he comes over. that makes me sad. she's right he prolly will drink himself to death...very soon too. that scares the hell out of me cuz i dont want to lose my dad. he's like the only person in this world that i feel actually appreciates my existence. ok i'm gonna stop now cuz i think i'm gonna cry

having a job sucks cuz i dont have time for like anything

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 18:16:44 GMT

So its been a long time since i updated...sorry.
i haven't been doing much. i've hung out w/ jamie, adam and dillon a lot lately. I did last week like everyday. But I decided that needs to stop so its been like 4 days since i saw him. not doing much just misbehaving myself as usual.
i feel like my life is mcdonald's now that i work there. and now that i have no money after this paycheck i feel like i'm not getting paid enough either. growing up sucks.
my friend kyle is back from the czech republic. i was so happy to talk to him the other day. it had been like a year. when we talked we agreed to hang out w/ each other on sunday. but then yesterday i skipped 6th hour cuz i really needed to go to the bank and i wasn't going to be able to after school cuz i had to work at 3. so i went to the bank and he was there. crazy coincidence but i was soooo excited to see him.
today i hung out w/ anthea....never thought i'd say that. i used to hate her so much for talking shit about amanda. but her and amanda made up like a long ass time ago. and i just started talkin to her and she's really cool. we didnt do much really just went here and there. i called dillon to see what he was up to and he is at that becca wolverton's house for the second day in a row. i said i didnt care if he was w/ other girls cuz were not going out...but i didnt want to find out about it...........well i found out ok so i'm a little jealous. but i'll get over it. he's not the last guy on earth. so we didnt go see him and amanda wasn't home. then my cousin showed up so we all went to the root beer stand where they forgot to ask for our money so we got free rootbeer floats. dumb bitches.
so yeah thats pretty much it. i dont think my mom's gonna let me do anything tonight...cuz she's gay. but whatever. later

amanda is my soulmate

Tue, 31 May 2005 19:04:19 GMT

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Amanda is your soulmate.

You truly love Dillon.

You consider Tk your true friend.

You know that Caitie is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Jamie for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Graham is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Jess is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Darin is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Darin changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Kayla is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Kayla has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

that's so crazy...its actually pretty close

i'm gonna take you by surprise and make you realize amanda

Mon, 16 May 2005 20:55:14 GMT

NOTE TO GRANT: People don't hate you. I dont know anyone that hates you. People just say they hate you cuz they get extremely frustrated w/ you. Like i know i've said that i hate you before...but obviously i dont cuz i just talked to you today when i saw you. Not everyone likes you all the time but thats because, your right, you can be a dick. But no one hates you...and a lot of people like you. And lately you've been being really nice.

where's caitie j. been? she hasn't updated in like forever

I drove to school today for the first time...it was nice i'll admit. It'll get old after awhile...i'll never miss the bus but driving will get annoying from what i hear. but for now its nice. Jamie is w/ Cockrin right now...thats suspicious. and then i dropped jess off and went to amanda's today. Amanda asked me why we never hang out anymore. I told her cuz she never wants to and I've been working and stuff. She's been hanging out w/ Becca sometimes...I don't know what to say to that. Becca's fine i just didnt see that happening. I asked her if she likes Becca more than me and she felt so bad that i would even think that. But what am i suppose to think when someone doesn't call me ya know? She says i'm still her best friend and i believe her but i dont feel like her best friend. i miss her.

i have to work tomorrow from 3-9. thats soooo long. cuz its like from when i get out of school until the fricken day is over. god that sucks testicles. but it'll all be worth it when i get my paycheck which should be like $175. oh i need that.

Saw sucks testicles

Sun, 15 May 2005 15:24:29 GMT

Friday me and Jamie went to Theresa's house...theresa from work not tk. that was alright...i didnt do much except sit and watch them play halo 2...which i will admit looks pretty sweet. and i dont say that about many video games. then we went to my grandparents house and we were gonna hang out w/ joe but he didnt show up till like quarter to 12. and i had to be home at 12. so i was pissed at him. i feel bad now tho cuz he didnt know he thought i was staying there. i prolly shouldn't have been so harsh. i'll apologize later.
Saturday I worked from 11-7. actually like 6:20. it was really really slow for a saturday but thats ok w/ me. then i went home and got ready and went over to dillon's. we rented Saw which is like the most horrible movie ever made. it royally sucked, like the acting was horrible. and i left around 11:20 cuz i had to be home at 11:30. i was actually 5 minutes late but tony was in town so he doesn't know i was late. he would have been pissed. Seriously why am i scared to piss him off? i shouldn't care right? oh wait i remember now.... cuz he has the power to ground me. and i really don't want to get grounded now becuz i just got my license and i have a vehicle to cart myself around in. well fuck. i fuckin hate him i dont care what anyone says.
alright well i have to go to work AGAIN. but its only for 4 hours. what's everyone doing today?

finally

Fri, 13 May 2005 20:12:56 GMT

so i thought i failed my drivers test...but right at the very end he was like "you did pass however". i was scared...so i went down to secretary of state.

IT FEELS NICE TO HAVE MY LICENSE FINALLY.

hyper is the best stupid fun

Tue, 10 May 2005 22:04:30 GMT

I was so super hyper for 4th and 5th hour. I always have a good time in those classes just becuz they're the ones i dont pay attention to. especially math...fst is so pointless ya know? so yeah all i do 4th hour is fuck around w/ kayla and kevin. then 5th me and Abby were laughing our asses off...i dont understand why but we were cracking up over dumb shit that we'd say. but honestly the best fun is stupid fun.
i had to go and get my permit renewed cuz it was crap. i needed to be able to read the numbers at the top to take my drivers test so i had to go get that done. then i've just been chillin here at the g-rents house for the time being. nothing too exciting. TK is pissed cuz i didnt come to my brother's track meet...but i didnt feel like it i'm really tired. am i a bad friend?
tomorrow i work...thursday i work....friday i'm supposed to hang out w/ joe but he's kind of unreliable so i'm not counting on it...saturday work...sunday hanging out w/ kevin maybe? depends on work

-----------------------NOTE TO BRITTANI : your too important to me and a lot of other people so stop talking all this shit about how you just want to die and shit. you know better! remember last year? you know its not worth it to worry about dumb shit that gets you down. call me bitch! did you get my number? if not its on my last entry. Besides you've been pimpin way too many guys to stop now! I LOVE YOU GIRL STOP THIS BULLSHIT TALK ALRIGHT?----------------------------------------

good job asshole

Mon, 09 May 2005 20:54:27 GMT

So i had kevin over on friday. my mom thinks its bullcrap that i'm hanging out w/ him cuz of the whole gf thing but we're just friends so i dont see the problem. i think most people will agree with me.
saturday was my first day at work. i started when at 12 on a saturday so it was real busy. jamie got invited to jon and max's house that night. i had to figure out what to tell my dad. when he got home tho he was real drunk so alls i told him was that i was going out w/ jamie and i was spending the night at her house. so that was easy to get away with. so me and jamie went out and had a good time and got back at 1:40. i almost passed out on her couch but i made it up to her bedroom. i was a mess.
sunday i called my mom cuz it was mother's day but no one picked up. i called tony's cell phone and he was at the hospital and she was like having unbearable backpain so i didnt see her until later. i went to work at 5 until 8. i stayed after a little bit tho cuz all these cars pulled up right at 8 when i was suppose to get off. dont you hate it when that happens?
so yeah my parents HATE the fact that i have this job in oshtemo. mainly my asshole stepdad does and my mom just goes along with him so she doesn't piss him off. she said that i went behind her back and got the job even tho she knew i had an interview last tuesday. what a bitch...she made me look bad so she wouldn't in front of him. it'll all be better when i move out. i hate him i really do. who gets criticized for having a job seriously? and today i was forced to put an application in at chicken coop because tony doesn't want me to stop trying in paw paw. what a dick. he manages to make me cry at least once a week. and this time it was saturday and sunday. GOOD JOB ASSHOLE. does he want a cookie?
ok on a better note....my grandpa is the awesomest grandpa ever. he got me a new cell phone. its just a regular flip phone nextel thing. but hey its not a brick like the other one i was borrowing.

NEW CELL # 998-9532 somebody call me!

Thu, 05 May 2005 23:46:43 GMT

So my parents left and it was fricken sweet as hell. i spent the weekend w/ amanda and that was awesome. i didnt realize how much i missed her. kenny caused some drama but hey what boyfriend doesn't? sunday we went to go see tk and that made me smile too. dillon and adam were there too so that was another plus.
monday was fine. after school dillon came over and that was cool. but i must say that boys confuse me cuz now he likes his ex-girlfriend again. its not a big deal though. i'm not gonna get attached to anybody cuz boys suck.
tuesday was like the best freakin day ever! Me and Nick and Nicole went to cracker barrel in the morning. then we went to bank so nick could cash his check but the bank was closed so we had to wait for like 10 minutes (which is pretty harmless). then we went to the mall which we thought opened at 9 but didn't until 10. there was a bunch of old people speed walking around. then we went to barnes & nobles and got coffee and looked at sex books. lol. and then we went back to nick's house and watch Soul Survivors which is like the most confusing gay ass movie ever. his mom came home and was like "why the hell are you home? don't you have school?" but he covered it and said it was senior skip day and that me and nicole were seniors. then we went to my house for a little bit. we played truth or dare like dorks. but i love that game you can do the stupidest random things. then i went back to school and went to my interview and GOT A JOB. fuckin finally.
wednesday i went to mh orientation which was gay but hey whatever. then i talked on the phone like all night surprisingly.
so i have a problem. theres this guy and he likes me and i like him....but he has a girlfriend. like a serious girlfriend. and he won't cheat on her but he really does like me. i know better i'm not gonna be stupid. i'm not gonna be a dumbass and get expect anything or wait for him or anything. but we like hanging out w/ each other and stuff and theres no reason to not hang out w/ each other. he asked me if i would have kissed him if he wanted to and i said no. he said he didn't believe me and i told him that he can't have his cake and eat it too. i'm not like that. he wouldn't cheat on his gf though they've been dating for awhile. like i said i'm not expecting anything but it just really sucks. i told him that i'm just his crush and his girlfriend is his love and i didnt want to get caught up in it...but its kind of unavoidable now...................................I'M SO FUCKED.

And I was talking to grant when me and jamie went to graham's house before my orientation and grant pointed out that i always start out my entry's bitching. and i looked at him and for the most part he's right. but i almost figured that thats what they are for. but i'm gonna try not to as much cuz i hate when people bitch all the time too.

overexaggerating bitch

Wed, 27 Apr 2005 19:13:49 GMT

Yesterday at school pretty much sucked again. I don't understand why i'm so depressed lately. I hope its not like this the rest of the week. I saw Becca in the bathroom and i got to talkin and she's pretty much the same way as me this week...and so is chad. I wonder what the fuck is goin on. And Jessica has been driving me nuts yesterday and today. She was telling everyone what her sister was sick from and it was really rude. and i know you think "whats wrong with telling people your sibling is sick?" but if you knew the whole story you'd agree. plus she was telling people she has strep and mono and something else. SHE DOESN'T HAVE STREP. I dont know why she feels the need to overexaggerate. now i know how things get spread around about people. cuz people overexaggerate. and there's more but i'm gonna stop bitching.

i hung out w/ dillon. that was pretty cool...we ended up going to devin's track meet and i saw tk. I MISS HER. everyone kept asking us if me and dillon are going out. i swear i'm getting so fuckin frustrated w/ everyone. i need to get over it.

so my parents are going to las vegas on saturday and not coming back till wednesday night. how sweet is that. my grandparents will be gone too so that'll be sweet. my dad will let me do whatever probably.

so thats about it.

prom night was so kick ass

Mon, 25 Apr 2005 19:08:51 GMT

Friday i went bowling w/ jamie. i called beau (why?) and ben picked up. they showed up and then timmy and sam came. timmy left and then joe cornelius came. then timmy came back. and then me and jamie left and the boys kept bowling....they didnt pay so now my older brother is pissed and said i can't bowl for free anymore. i cussed ben out right in front of my mom too.

Saturday my mom was annoying the hell out of me. She went all obsessive compulsive on me and my hair i was getting pissed. i got ready w/ jamie and jess and they were both a pain in the ass but its ok i love them both. jake picked me up and we went a couple more places. my aunt jackie got to see me which makes me smile cuz i love her. then we went to dinner and that was good. their portions were quite small though so jake wasn't very full. PROM WAS SOO MUCH FUN. I had a blast. I hate when people go there and then don't dance and then say it was boring. If you go to a dance its your responsibility to make it fun. I danced with jake of course, graham, kolja, and chad. i did i had a blast. i was not anticipating that at all and everyone was complimenting me on my dress. this night is gonna be hard to top next year. i prolly won't ever have this much fun for the rest of my high school career. i was afraid that jessica was gonna be a drag and all mellowdramatic but she was pretty awesome. jamie had a good time at her prom too i guess so thats good. after prom i went over to abby's house. graham, grant, danielle, joe, and josh were all there too. we all sat and talked about stuff. sounds cheesy but whatever.
guys are getting on my fuckin nerves i swear. i passed notes w/ kevin all of 4th hour and then brett all of 5th hour. i dont like brett like that but he's being pretty cool lately. i really don't want to see ANYBODY right now and you'd think that would make things easier but it doesn't. i still kind of have feeilngs for people but i seriously don't want to be with anyone.